Grief

 Where to begin.....  On June 23rd of 2025 I lost my mother.  It was a heart breaking defining moment in my life.  Every time I open my eyes I relive that day over and over in my mind.  That Saturday we had such a great day, we went swimming with my kids at her pool.  She even got in the water, which she hadn't done for years due to her cancer treatments.  My aunt Robin was down for the weekend which made it all that much better.  We laughed, swam and enjoyed that brief moment in time that seems so small but holds such joy and heartbreak at the same time.  Everyday I am reminded of the fact that I wasn't there.  I wasn't there when she left this world, she was alone.  

I received a call around 5 in the afternoon that Monday from a close family member who asked if I had heard from my mom that day, it wasn't unusual to not hear from her as she was busy at times.  She had texted me the day before asking if I needed her to watch the kids for something that we had planned...  Man I wish I could back and take her up on that offer.  I didn't know that I would pass up the chance for her to see her grandkids one last time.  I called her a couple of times and she did not answer her phone.  I thought that was unusual and I called a few more times.  I got in the versa and put in my headphones and drove down to that damn house.  I was listening to Salem's Lot (fuck that book now) and I was wondering what I would walk into.  

I pulled up to the house and went to go inside, but the metal latch she had on the door was latched.  Side note, whoever made that damn lock needs a raise because it was indestructible.  I knocked on the door and no answer.  Her dog came around the corner and saw me.  He started to look back towards the bedroom and started to bark.  After she didn't get up when he was barking, I knew something had happened.  I walked all around the house trying to get in, but I could not.  I went over to her neighbor and we couldn't get the door open.  Ultimately, I called 911 for assistance and they came out to help open the door.  Hell they couldn't even get the door to budge when they were trying to knock it down.  We ended up having to break a window to open the door and at that time she had been gone for a day or so.  So that text on Sunday asking about the kids was her last message to me...  I was in shock and nothing seemed real at the time.  I saw the look on the faces of those that were around me at the time and they painted a story that they have all experienced before.  

Life can be overwhelming and I have to admit that since her passing, it has gotten the best of me.  The grief has bled into every aspect of my life now.  I walk around and feel empty and I know that everyone goes through this at some point in time but it still doesn't take away the pain that I have experienced.  

Most days, I want to quit and just walk away but then I hear the laugh of my family and it brings me back down to earth.  I can look back on that time we spent together as a joyous time.  Granted, not everything was rose petals, we experienced hardships along the way, but I can look back on those memories and fill a little void that has been left in my heart.  I understand that some people can just pick up and move on, but I have been stuck in this rut for almost a year now due to not only her loss, but the loss of family members along the way due to circumstances.  I will not disclose her personal matters on here but she experienced a great deal of pain the last two years of her life, but she never waivered.  She always showed that she was up for the fight and she did not back down until the very end.

For today, if you have been in the situation described above, please know that you are not alone in this fight.  We all experience grief in different ways but just know that your grief doesn't define who you are a person.  I feel like when people see me now, they automatically look at me as weak because I let my guard down.  It's tough to try to be strong and fall apart at the same time.  I feel as if my wall has been torn down and trying to find my feet again has been difficult.  I feel like such a failure in many areas of life, work especially.  But I am trying each day and I know that I may not win every fight that I come across, but dammit I've gotta try.  I have been in school now for a master's degree in counseling and I hope to one day bring joy to those individuals who have had their sun blocked out for years.  Until next time...