It's Been a While....

 As the title suggests, it's been a while huh?  Have you ever felt like you were less than what you really are?  I face this many times a day honestly...  Well hourly really...  I run into self defeat from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I fall asleep, I can't help it and I know it is a bunch of shit, but hey we are human right?  I have hit some snags recently that have caused me to revert back into a shell of who I was working hard to become.  Many times, I feel like I am not good enough for the people in my life, I replay the times that I have failed and let those outweigh what I could have done well or good during that day.  Most days I feel like my friends barely tolerate me and just keep me around for the memories we once shared. I know that things change with time and I have as well. It's tough to feel like this everyday and I know that these things are exaggerations built on by my anxiety and depression.  I know people get frustrated with me when it comes to these feelings and they get mad because they feel like they are doing enough to make me feel assured and wanted.  However, that doesn't stop from keep my walls sky high and immediately feel like I am a burden to those who keep me close.  Many times I want to give up and just sleep for days but yet I continue to get up everyday and move forward.  It may be an inch at the damn time, but an inch forward is better than a mile backwards.  Or at least that is what I keep telling myself.

I recently heard a quote and it helped me to write this blog: "Courage doesn't always roar, sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I will try again tomorrow". Depression may win the battle for today and I may been sad, defeated and feel like im not wanted, but that is today and that does not have to be my tomorrow.  "Not one rain drop feels like it causes the flood".  Emotions are emotions and we will deal with them forever, but for today I am trying to overcome those emotions that I carry around and try to boost myself out of that place.  I write this to let you know that if you feel the same, you are not alone.  We all fight a battle that others don't see and quite frankly don't care to ask about.  And that is OK, at the end of the day we are all trying to accomplish becoming happy in life, some may just take longer to get there than others.  

Comments

  1. AnonymousJanuary 20, 2024 at 3:03 PM

    Matt, my heart hurts for you because I too know this pain. I battle it with each waking moment, each breath I take. No matter the joys in life, the reassurances, and even laughter can take it away. Medications help get through but the deep rooted feeling are always in the background. Take solace in the small joys of life. There is no better feeling than that of a hug from a loved one, the smile and laughter of a child, the sunshine, sound of the waves, a breeze of fresh air, etc. Finally, I am sharing a favorite hymn, Because He Lives: How sweet to hold
    A new born baby
    And feel the pride
    And the joy that he gives
    But greater still that calm assurance
    We can face uncertain days
    (Holding)
    We can face uncertain days
    Because he lives
    And because he lives I can face tomorrow
    Because he lives all fear is gone
    Because I know he holds the future
    And life is worth the living just because he lives
    And then one day
    We'll all cross that river
    And fight life's final war with pain
    And then, as death gives way to victory
    I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know he reigns
    Because he lives I can face tomorrow
    Because he lives all fear is gone
    Because I know, I know he holds the future
    And life is worth the living just because he lives
    He lives
    He lives

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