15 Months

 You know how fast life can change, over these past 15 months, I can honestly say that life has changed drastically.  These have been some of the hardest months I've ever faced.  I'm not sure what I did along the way to deserve this misfortune but here we are.  I realized that we were riding a high for so long that eventually the bottom had to fall out.  Well it did and it soaked everyone in its wake.  I look at pictures from that time frame and the pain I feel is immense.  Looking back at our happy smiling faces and not knowing what we would face in the future is heartbreaking.  If I could go back to the person I was 15 months ago and prepare him for the challenges ahead, I would in an instant.  But the story and show must roll on right?  Time doesn't stop for us even when we are going through all of the challenges we face on a daily basis.  We have lost family members, lost jobs, loss, loss loss loss loss loss.........  It seems like that is all I can see at the moment is loss after loss.  I know that eventually things will get better and I can see the break through coming but the darkness always encompasses my mind when I wake up.  I feel like I have lost myself and all that I knew I once was.  It hurts bad and I know everyone is going through a struggle and I know that mine might feel small in comparison but these are the struggles that I face on a daily basis.  


I type all of this not as a pity are and woah is me, but I type this out to provide some hope for those who are struggling like me.  Above, I told myself that I would go back and prepare for what the future holds, but the universe gave me other plans and have helped give me a new courage to keep moving forward.  I don't fucking know how to move forward sometimes as each day is daunting, but each day I find that I took that step forward even when I thought I couldn't.  I keep moving forward, battered, bruised and broken.  But I am picking up the small shards of glass and have started to rebuild my mindset.  It is not easy, lord knows that it is not easy, but that is where we truly find who we will be in this life.  The struggles we face, the battles that no one knows about, all of the nasty things you say to yourself in the mirror, are just things in life that help push you to be a better person.  I am fighting like hell each day to ensure that I put a smile on those faces I love the most.  I fail everyday, but I don't give up.  I know that I may fail and some days are going to be a lot harder than anyone could imagine, but I'm tired of being broken and hopeless.  


So if this is you today, please know that you are not alone in your fight.  People all around you smile and keep fighting even though they may not know how to get out of their situation. We are all humans at the end of the day, we all have the same genetic make up in the end.  I keep having to remind myself that at the end of the day, everyone is just the same.  We try to make it through each day the best we can.  Some days your best might be laying in bed all day and that is OK, but do not stay there.  Take the smallest step you can.  Even if you move an inch forward, you have still moved forward.  I want you to think about that for a second, the smallest step in the world can set you in a new and wonderful direction.  We have to find the courage to step out everyday and give ourselves the best chance we can of getting out of where we currently reside.  I'm not a huge Jelly Roll fan, but one of his songs played randomly and there was a verse that hit hard that made me start writing this blog.  The line is: "No one walks through those doors on a winning streak". You may not walk in on a winning streak but by the time you leave, you will have won.  It may look different from what you are used to seeing but your breakthrough is coming.  I know it is coming when we least expect it.


Until next time!

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