Confidence

When I was in college, I had dreams about going onto grad school.  I was in my last semester of my senior year, collecting letters of recommendation and trying to score high enough on the GRE to get into any school at that point.  However the more I tried to go down that road, the more self doubt I ended up with and it still haunts me today.  I have built a career over the past 11 years but I still feel like I need to go back to grad school to prove my worth.  My wife and I have this conversation a lot (sorry babe), that if I feel like it will help out the family then I should do it.  But then the thoughts of what occurred that senior year come flooding back.  I was at Francis Marion University and well...  it was senior year...  I may have skipped a couple of classes because I was lazy and wanted to sleep in, but I still had the drive to continue.  I went to one of my political science professors to ask for a letter because I had taken his classes quite a bit.  However I was struggling in his Southern Politics class (crucial to what I am doing now...).  When I asked him, he got mad and told me that I would never be a success in grad school and he laughed at the idea of writing a letter for me.  Right then and there I felt as if I was not good enough to keep going, so I didn't.  I let those words float around with me for 11 years now and they still have control over my thoughts when it comes going back to school.  I still feel as if I am not smart enough to handle the material and or that I would just live up to the standard that he set out in front of me and fail. 

I wish I could say that I have fully enrolled into school now, I have taken steps to go back for a Master's in Tech, but I have yet to fully commit because of the overwhelming idea that I will fail. However, over the years I have shown myself that I can adapt and prosper no matter what the subject is, but I still fear it is not enough to sway me into making that decision.  I have taught myself to build websites and I still feel that I do not know enough to make a difference in grad school.  But everyday is a new day and each day I have been trying to build myself up to finally making that step to completing the application and submitting it regardless of the outcome.  I know that what I fear and what anyone has told me in the past is just that... the past.  I am trying my best to move forward but it is difficult.  I am not going to sugar coat it by any standard, but if we grow confident each day little by little, just imagine what we can accomplish. 

For today:  Try to grow a little bit more in an area that you have been afraid to grow in.  Learn about it, try something different in the same area.  Look at your accomplishments of the past and use those to help drive your future.  We have one life to live and with the current times, who the heck knows how long we have left lol.  Do something for yourself that you have been holding back on, do something that proves to yourself that you have the ability to overcome those burdens and chains that hold you back.  Believe in yourself and trust that you can do anything in this life.

Until next time!

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