Realization

So I joined a kickball team....  Most of the people I had no idea who they were and they didn't know me at all.  So I went with it, one of my best friends convinced me that I should play because it would be fun.  I agree that I have really enjoyed being active in a team sport again, it has lifted the spirits a lot.  However I was speaking with someone last night and we were joking around and something was said that hit hard.  I wont repeat what was said but at that moment it hurt, but once I got to thinking about it, I took it as something I could grow from and not let the words bring me down.  I haven't put myself out there lately because I have felt that my anxiety and or depression makes me less than someone else.  My personality type is very introverted and it is really tough for me to handle large groups of people or new groups of people.  A lot of times I feel like the outsider and I feel like people are looking at me as the kid who doesn't talk and or the weird kid.  I know that this is a figment that I myself have created but I can't help but feel like I am less than.  I am incredibly awkward and analyze everything in a conversation.  I wonder if I sounded ok to the person, or if I said something that was backwards or did not come out right.  I often times just don't speak really in avoidance of feeling that way.  I am generally a quite person but once you get to know me for me, I am not.  I have a great personality that shines through once someone gets close.  However getting close is tough lol.  I struggle and I know it, but I feel like my mindset prevents me from showing everyone the funny and quirky side of me.  I know that those who may read this will see it differently that I will, but that is the way of the world.  My struggle is my struggle, no matter how false it may be in the real world.  I am still that awkward kid who struggles for the right thing to say in conversations and feel socially inept.  But I am me, I am who I was created to be.  Yes, it may take a little bit to chip away the wall that I have placed in front of me to prevent any hurt, but once that wall is taken down, you will get a better version of me.  I write this as a way to get my thoughts out, I write this as a way to help someone else who may struggle with the same anxiety that I am facing.  I know that at times we may all feel this way, but it is how we handle it that helps determine who we will become.

Going back and reading this makes me nervous...  lol...  *face palm*.  I often times see my thoughts as ramblings that may not make sense to others but there goes that anxiety again.  I hope that one day I can overcome that barrier that stops me from being out going, but only time will tell.

For today, try to come out of your comfort zone.  Try something new, be brave and face that fear head on.  You have the strength inside of you to overcome that fear that holds you captive.  When you take your last breath on this earth, will you think about all of the things that you didn't do or will you look back and realize that you moved past and accomplished a lot of which you set out to do.  Don't live with regret for the past, the past has happened.  We now have to focus on moving forward and one of the first steps is to step out of your comfort zone. I promise the more you step out the more confidence we will gain and the easier your struggle will become in that area.  The more fear we surround ourselves with, the more of a box we are put in.  Crush that damn box, be you.  Be who you have always saw yourself as.  I believe in you.

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