OCD

Dear OCD, I hate you.  I hate everything about OCD.  I have struggled with OCD for quite a while now, some almost 20 years.  I will never forget the day that I really started to recognize just exactly what it was and what I was doing.  I am a counter, I typically count to three or sets of three.  Wow...  Typing it out like that makes it seem even worse..  Oh well, here we go.  Strap on your seat belts because this is going to get somewhat bumpy.  When I started counting I did it as a way to cope with something.  I had anxiety, but I was too young to understand what it was and or how to stop it from happening.  However as counter intuitive as this may be, I used OCD to relieve that anxiety.  I used the counting and the rituals as a way to stop that anxiety from building up inside and it was a way for me to feel like I could get rid of it.  However OCD only builds anxiety...  SMH...  I thought that I was getting rid of the anxiety inducing actions/thoughts but in actuality I am just feeding them more fuel.  Lately I have been dealing with thoughts that run through my mind that are irrational and I am aware of this but my OCD has clung to that fear and has used it against me.  No amount of rituals and or counting can stop the thought from repeating.  The thought can be anything really, I work in social work and sometimes we come across individuals who has certain mental illnesses and I am worried that I will develop one of those...  I know...  I know...  But I can't help it, I fear it so much that I literally think about not developing one of those illnesses and begin to psych myself out and begin to panic.  I at times feel like I am going crazy and it is due to the thought taking hold of my fear and using it against me.  Some of you may be asking: well if you know what it is that causes it can't you just stop it??  The answer is a tricky one really, you can to a certain extent and can altogether but it takes time and plenty of practice.  I have found that if I redirect my mind or focus on something I can take my though process and use it for good, instead of being in a constant loop of dread and OCD.  I also like to tell myself that OCD is just a misfiring in the brain and that the thought is just that, a thought.  A thought isn't reality until there is action attached to it.  So in order to help curb that anxiety when it builds up I remind myself who I am.  I am a great person, I am a strong person, I am a loving father and spouse, I have a wonderful family and a few good friends I can count on (although most of my friends may not quite understand what I experience and I fear (yes I know) that they will look at me different or look at as I am not the friend that they want to be around).  I know that sounds unreasonable but when speaking about mental health, I still feel like it is a taboo subject and many people look at you differently when you bring it up.  For me that is why so many people go around and suffer and dont speak up about what they are facing.  I saw a tweet the other day and it stated that for those who speak about their mental health they are fighting for themselves and are not running from what they face.  It takes a lot of courage to write this blog, because it is out there for everyone to read.  I know that a lot of people had no idea that I was facing the battle that I do each and everyday and I fear that they will think differently of me.  I feel that I am the friend that they do not want to hang around with because they have to worry if I am feeling down that day or what.

Regardless let's get back to OCD.  For me trying to relay on rituals does not make sense, but at the time of completion I feel better and I feel like I have overcome that anxiety at that time.  You may be saying: Great!  It worked!  But in reality I just added fuel to the already lit flame.  I begin to relay on the ritual and if I don't do it then the fear and anxiety becomes worse.  It swells inside of me and I begin to feel panicked because I have not done it.  That is where the battle in won and lost.  Trying to overcome that thought process of "well if I don't do this ritual then something bad will happen" is one of the toughest fights I have ever faced.  I live with that fear every day and some days are better than others.  Some days I give into the fear and others I fight it and win.  But that is life isn't it?  You take the good with the bad, but the good should outweigh the bad.  I try to focus on the positive things in life and use them as a tool to help cope with what I face.  However everyday is a work in progress and a fight that has to be won.  I try my best to deal with this curse that I have but I take it in stride.  If I have learned one thing throughout this journey it is this:  The fight is worth fighting, you are worth the fight.  Don't give up that fight no matter how bad it may seem. 

But I want to thank anyone who stumbles across this blog and reads it.  I know that it may seem like I repeat myself a lot of times, but I am just trying to bring awareness to a taboo subject of mental health.  Don't give up the fight, fight for yourself and for those whom you love.  It is up to you how you spend your short time here on earth and if you begin to fight for yourself each and every day, you may begin to find yourself in a new light and happier life.